Intentional Intimacy: Affirmations
I regularly hear women and men talk about what they desire in romantic relationships. Usually people are listing the traits and behaviors that they desire in a partner, and usually they are lamenting that they have not yet met this ideal partner.
I believe that intimate relationships are the most profound connections of our lifetime; they are the context in which we discover our deepest vulnerabilities, our deepest pleasures, and our deepest expressions of Self. We desire fulfilling relationships, because they lead us to a fulfilled Self.
When our talk about intimacy is concentrated on an ideal partner, we are missing the most important part of the intimate experience—our own Self!
The first step to manifesting our intimate desires, is to imagine how our own Self will feel in our ideal partnership. I invite you to write down everything you desire in an intimate relationship. Then look at your responses, and contemplate how you want to feel from these desires.
For example, I may write down that I desire a partner with sexual passion. Upon contemplation, I realize that I desire this trait in a partner because it's how I feel connected, open, and trusting.
Now I invite you to craft these feelings into written affirmations. Affirmations work by reshaping our brain, so that we are more in tune to receive what we desire. For example, if I want to receive FM radio stations, I must tune into FM radio waves. If I tune into AM radio waves, there is no way that I can receive FM radio stations—no matter how much I want them, no matter that they exist where I am.
Likewise, if I want to receive sexual passion in intimacy, I must tune into those feelings of connection, openness, and trust in my own Self. If I feel isolated, closed off, or distrust, there is no way that I can receive sexual passion—no matter how much I want to feel sexual passion, no matter that potential partners and circumstances exist all around me.
Affirming our ideal intimacy reshapes our brain to receive all that we desire. When crafting your affirmation, I recommend that they are in the active tense, with a positive subject, and of course, evoking a feeling or emotion. Writing in the positive helps us to focus on what it is we desire, rather than focusing on what we don’t desire. For example, rather than writing the negative statement 'I am not fighting with my partner', which holds fighting as central and thus plants fighting into your consciousness, you can write 'I am calmly communicating with my partner.'
Here are some more examples of affirmations that I like:
- I am safe and protected with my partner.
- I feel cherished and desired.
- I am connecting more deeply with myself as I grow to understand my emotional patterns.
- I am sexually empowered and sexually pleasured.
- I feel free to be my authentic self.
Affirmations are a powerful way to break destructive dating habits, and to attract expansive new partnerships.
For example, one female client of mine continually found herself becoming involved with men who cheated. While her ideal consisted of a 'partnership with no cheating', the concept of infidelity remained at the forefront of her subconscious, and that is exactly what she continued to attract. By re-framing her ideal into the positive as at 'trusting and transparent relationship’, she was able to receive a relationship of free-flowing communication and commitment.
Affirmations are also incredibly powerful for partners in long-term relationships. When we fall into habitual thinking patterns about our long-term partner (e.g. 'he always talks over me', 'she's never excited about my new project', 'he doesn't like that in bed'), then our subconscious mind works to manifest these beliefs. By taking time each day to relish in positive emotions about our relationship (e.g. 'I am respectfully communicating with my partner', 'I am supported in my efforts to success', 'I am free to try new things in intimacy'), our brains create new synapses that help us attract new opportunities for manifesting our ideals into reality.
It is with the utmost honor and support that I encourage you to practice your own affirmations for your ideal intimacy. I invite you to spend 15-20 minutes per day reciting your affirmations while visualizing your own self embodying the feeelings you desire, and be open to receiving all that you desire.