When they don’t want sex.
More specifically, when they don’t want to have sex with you…
It’s typical that when you first begin connecting with someone, both of your appetites for sex with each other are voracious. It’s the chemistry, the sex energy, the longing to rip your clothes off and feel every inch of them exploding inside you…
It’s typical also that after a few months or a few years, the fire starts to fade.
Maybe you are becoming too intimate. Like the research findings of Esther Perel that when couples become so familiar with each other, the attraction is lost. Same friends, same hobbies, same routines. Where is the appeal of a lover when that lover is you?
Maybe life is drowning you with too much stress. Working long days and even nights. Managing money not just for you but for other family members, deals outside of your career, trying to grow your wealth so that you don’t have to stress about money, and yet you’re constantly stressed by the responsibilities of it all.
Maybe the years are taking a toll on your body. We age and yet we pretend that we’re not, pretending that we can go without sleep, pretending that we can eat whatever we want, pretending that the sex hormones and energy will always be pulsing.
Maybe all those things are happening to your partner. And you’re just there in the bed with your naughty new lingerie and the nastiest thoughts ready to drip out of your mouth, just like the way you’re dripping between your legs…
That used to be me. Sometimes feeling like a beggar for sex from the man who supposedly wanted me the most in the first place. Sometimes feeling like a child, telling myself that if he doesn’t want me then I don’t want him either. Sometimes feeling like a fool for having committed myself to man who just wants to be my friend and sleep in the same bed next to me but without even touching me? Make it make sense.
Desire means longing for something that we don’t have. Learning to manage desire has been a central tenet of my work over the past few years. The word Kama like Kama Kat Yoga, or like Kama Sutra, meaning desire. Learning to manage desire has been at the heart of all my work…
Over the years, I have learned to understand that when he doesn’t want sex with me, it’s not necessarily about me...
That they have high-stress jobs that take a toll physically and metaphysically. That there are ebbs and flows to our sex life. There can be periods of ravenous sex, disgusting and forbidden fantasies coming alive inside of us, a renewed carnal desire overtaking us. And there can periods of work on things outside of ourself, focusing on our passion projects or new ventures, creating works that might take all of our selves.
I have learned also that sometimes it is about me...
That sometimes I need to fall deeper into my feminine energy. Not pressuring, not pleasing, not praying for tonight to be the night. Simply surrendering to the isness and letting him lead. Relaxing deeper into my own life, moving through the world without him and seeing what fire follows…
I have learned that at all times, what I need is to cultivate my own sex energy.
I do believe in infinite possibilities, infinite lovers waiting for me, infinite ways my lover can approach me again. The more I feel frustration with this one possibility, this one lover, this one approach. The more resistance I create. The more I feel even more frustration.
Sex energy cultivation is how I channel my voracious appetite into one that is energizing rather than consuming. It’s how I transmute that burning desire for needing more, into a blanketed bliss of loving everything that I have now. It’s how I master my passion and it's how you can too…